"I TRIED THE SQUAT TOILETS. FAIL."

i was a half hour late for a guest lecturer.

it was one of the most rude things you can do and i had been warned against it many times. 

on the bus to the Buddhist monastery i fall asleep and the professors talk about me but i'm to tired to listen. i wish we had taken a taxi.

we were late to meet the head of the monastery. he was an older man and fit the part. it was beautiful and we were all on our best behavior. he gave us prayer beads and seemed like a nice guy. i was going to ask about tibet but forgot or lost the nerve.

we sat outside and wished they sold beers. we talked about nothing and were bored in the good way.

the monks invited us to pray with them and we did. it was moving and no one looked at each other so we wouldn't laugh. we prayer for an hour and one of the monks kept looking at me like he could sense the bad karma. i think the language barrier is making me paranoid.   

dinner was served about an hour after we got there. we got beer wand waited. we ate duck and mocked each other mercilessly. one of professor's friends came. we talked and she was unimpressed. she asked questions about us while we were sitting there. eventually we completely ignored her.   

cabs still wont pick us up so we hung out outside of the restaurant and people took pictures of us without asking. the cab ride we talked about the chances of sex on the trip.

i think its already happening but i don't say anything.

no one else on the trip watches i love money. 

i fall asleep wondering where i am and hoping the office season finally will be worth the wait. 

A VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY

second day of classes. 

chinese is no better. i got my chinese name. its bu rai dah. it means unluck and immoral. 

i find out we are going as a group to the place we went the night before. 

i got my chinese name. its bu rai dah. it means unlucky and immoral. 

i invite our chinese teacher and she blows us off. im leaning towards her hating us. 

edick is still drunk during calligraphy. he hick-ups like a cartoon and everyone gives up five minuets in. 

we take taxis to see the hutungs and meet our tour guide who looked and sounded like Colonel Nicholson from bridge over river kawi. he was flippant and would say things like "the ming were a stuffy people. they had nice furniture and porcelain though."

the hutongs are beautiful and quite. the architecture is old and the people polite and its easy to forget your in one of the largest cities in the world. 

 

saw baby ducks and turtles that were cute and going be turned into food. 

it was beautiful and i haven't felt so relaxed on the trip so far. we bought beers and hung around the old mansion of a famous drag queen. 

we had dinner got more beer toasted marx on his birthday and got loud once again.

we talked our TA and Ma (shes 80) into coming out.

we buy expensive drinks and are the only ones in the club except some prostitutes doing blow in the corner. 

we ignore everyone else in the club and dance ridiculously. we leave after about three hours. 

so far this trip is nothing like lost in translation. 

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

classes started today. 

half the class was not on time and we might have offended the new teachers.

some how i was placed in the intermediate class. it is clear on the first day that i'm a lost cause.

my teacher is energetic but i think she is a little annoyed by us. honestly i cant tell.

we get badminton rackets and are very bad at playing.

we end up going to the summer palace.

like everything its beautiful and we are to busy acting like fools to notice. we take a boat ride and end up splitting the group in half for a half hour.

we sit by a huge lake and do stupid things and be loud, buy things we dont need and leave.

in the taxis on the way to dinner i get in an argument over if beyonce is a dancer or not. (apparently she isn't) 

its joes birthday we buy a huge cake that turns out to be worth the money. i kinda start a race war. the food is ok.

i'm tired but get guilted into going out. 

we go to a lake in the middle of the old city that is surrounded by bars. its like disney land but really is like how Bangkok is described to me. 

the bars are to expensive so we buy beers in the ally and wander around.

we never meet up with the birthday boy and eventually take taxis home end up at home.  

i wake up my roommate and sleep in my cloths. 

im happy i went out and kinda dont ever want to leave beijing.

THE GREATEST WALL OF ALL

here are the notes i took while on the highest point of the great wall:

"this place is given to cliches.

its the top of the world.

after the forbidden city yesterday there is a comment to be made about compensating for something. i wonder if i will be hackie enough to go there.

i bought water at the highest point on the wall. a guy carried a case of snacks up to a place that took me over an hour to scale and on at least two occasions made me think i was going to throw up. when i ask how  much for a water he says two yuan. i get it out and he says no. he meant 20. everyone laughed. 

sophia copola soundtracks are good for the great wall. 

queen albums don't work.

i met an irish couple who complained about the flight from new zealand in the same breath as introducing themselves. i dont hang out with them.

i really want a burrito.

a couple in their 50's were near me during the accent. neither of them were dressed for the hike. the woman had taken off her heals and was walking barefoot. they were determined to get to the top. they seemed in love and joked with me every time we rested rear each other. they make it to the top.

just like honey is a really good song when your at the top of the great wall. 

just saw a women with the worst arm fat ever. i'm glad it hasn't stopped her from doing what she wants to do.

i cant tell the difference between gays and germans but both area really tragic in their middle age.  (they were germans)

i dont want to be an adult.

there was a kid who pooed in public on the great wall. he just squatted over a newspaper as people walked by. he said "i'm done" when it was appropriate.

i love china."

IT LOOKS FORBIDDEN TO ME OR 3 DOLLAR PREGAME

there are basketball hoops in the forbidden city and all the signs are sponsored by american express.

we got to the park to early to do tai chi. instead we were just loud and wandered around. that would be a theme for the rest of the day. 

the busses to the forbidden city were crowded and the trip took about an hour. we talked about the real housewives to pass the time. beijing is too large to really comprehend. again like LA but with more high rises.

Because of the May 4th holiday the military presence around Tiananmen was very noticeable and their were fire extinguishers just in case someone tried to set themselves ablaze.

people constantly asked us to take pictures with them. it eventually got to the point where people were just handing us babies. for no less than an hour we took pictures with complete strangers. the black kids were mobbed. 

the ice cream here is really terrible. the only bearable kind was corn. i dont know how you fuck up ice cream but they did.

the forbidden city workers play basketball on their breaks. 

we played Frisbee and hung out. it was huge with not much to see. a lot like versailles but not as well kept. 

we hung out in the concubine's palaces and wondered out load if we would catch AIDS if we got tattoos. the forbidden city was beautiful and we were too loud and the whole trip left us tired.

no taxis would pick us up because of swine flu. we lost our professors and some of the other students and ended up taking another hour long bus ride which left us over the whole experience and wanting to nap.

we got to the temple of heaven and immediately got beers. no one wanted to go in but eventually we all did. still didn't know where our professor was. we drank beer in one of the most holy places in the world and talked to other american tourists and generally didnt give a damn about where we were. 

people kept asking us for pictures but only the back kids. the novelty of white people had worn off. 

we eventually devolved into us sitting around and waiting to leave and talking loudly and ignoring where we were. we just sat and had a kee kee and acted a fool.

some of the students were openly hitting on the chinese students that were acting as our translators and guides. i think josh has a fighting chance. they all love gossip girl and know all the songs i sing when i walk around. its to their credit that they dont seem embarrassed by how we are acting.  god knows i do.

when we finally leave the temple we run into a group of old people dancing in a park. (old people are always doing stuff in parks.) we begin to playfully mock the dancing and then are integrated into the dancing and eventually lead the dancing and by dancing i mean the macarena. seriously.

they took it better then i would have. i tried to do the dance from lip-gloss but no-one got it and we ended up leaving. 

we went to a mall and got yelled at. everyone got cell phones or knock off iphones that were very shady.

dinner was terrible but the conversation was lively. someone got some liquor and we all took shots at the table. the waiter joined in. 

it was one of the worst tasting things i have ever tasted and the after taste was indescribable. we bought a bottle to take home.

we wandered out got a bus planned on going out. the bus took an hour like all busses do and i fell asleep standing up.

i got to my bed in time to pass out. 

it feels like we have been here for weeks. it feels comfortable and i'm falling in love with china.

I MADE IT. KINDA

i get off the plane and everyone is very excited and we are happy to be in china let alone standing.

we are in line o go through customs and the lines are long and we are al talking. i as standing with a group of girls and they were talking loudly yelling from line to line. a chinese man in a uniform came up to us and said 

"excuse me? BE QUITE"

 i got yelled at without being in the country for 10 minuets.

i am going to die in a chinese prison.

the flight was fine.

all of the flight attendants were bitches.

they came by and asked me to turn off my ipod every four hours and one of them had the worst gay face  have ever seen.

the audio on the personal entertainment center didn't work.

i sat next to a nice older woman who tried to teach me chinese. after about 45 minuets she realized it was a lost cause and gave up. 

i dont think anyone on the trip read the books we were supposed to and some on the trip are given to vague racism which i know will lead to me in a fight i will lose.

Jackie Chan had a concert in the birds nest last night (he sings) but it was an hour away on bus and none of us have any idea what is going on. 

Beijing is like LA with less freeways and more bikes. i have no feel for the city outside of the bus ride from the airport. 

i cant sleep. don't know if i will. 

i think i might be the only one who didn't have pain or sleeping pills on the plane. i should have bought niquill.

i'm gonna do ti chi in the  park this morning before breakfast and later go to the forbidden city. 

i have little to no idea what is really going on but i like being along for the ride.

everyone on the trip is the same way and we all get along fine 

here are some pictures. none of them are very good.

p.s. i think i might be coming around on "poker face". i wish i hadn't brought my ipod at all.